Welp.. we learn and sometimes live I guess lol
Today we found out my allergy kicked it up a notch and now causes me asthma attacks. I thought a single slice of apple would be fine, that it would just make my mouth itchy like usual. It didn’t, it made me unable to properly breathe. This made me realise this happened at work as well a couple times during pollen allergy season, so those two cross allergies have gotten pretty bad it seems. I’ll definitely watch out for that now that I'm aware. I know I couldn’t have known since this is the first time it has happened, with me linking it to my allergy that is. Last few times at work I just ignored it because I straight up didn’t know this was allergy asthma and I blamed it on the powder toner we use. The timing of it all makes me feel very guilty. I feel so bad for having this with my friends, especially on my partner’s birthday party. I wanted it to be so special for them and I feel like this pulled the mood down. I so hope I didn’t ruin it for everyone, I feel like I sure made them very worried. I had to be put into warm steamy bathroom like a friend’s chronically ill cat (this did make me laugh). At least this helped me breathe again. Very very grateful that my friends had my back and took care of me. Them reassuring me and acting so casual with a few jokes about it also helped me not overthink it too much. I think they're just happy I'm fine. That's what I'm repeating in my head to keep evil smiski out.

I'm so worried about all of my friends currently.. suddenly everyone is doing a lot worse and it's making me worse. (not blaming you guys whatsoever, this is on me)
I get so worried, stressed out that every minor thing on top gets me more overstimulated and then annoyed. I'm so bad at showing worry when it's the spiral cause it just turns me mad? resentful?. I wanna scream at the person to take care of themselves! I can't be there to take care of them so I want them to show me they are taking care of themselves! I feel like a total dick for my behaviour, but it really just stems from worry? This is my typical spiral of "oh no something wrong, I worry, I want to help, I can't, I feel useless, I worry more" and it doesn't stop until I know they're fine. I know which part of my mental health issues is causing it so I kind of know how to handle it, but I still have a long way to go with learning that coping mechanism. Tho I am trying. Currently telling myself that all of them are doing their best, that it'll get better eventually and that I just need to sit my ass down and calm down and to believe in my friends. I've been watching movies all day to relax myself and keep my mind off things, back to doing that now.

Thought I was improving? I probably am but it doesn't take away I'll still feel bad sometimes. When you think you're doing better and then you're not uughh.. everything is just making me feel blegh. I overthink and then I get anxious.
Right now I'm just anxious about everyone in my friend group and myself in the friend group. I'm scared the friendships are going to fade because of minor little issues. Ones I have with them, ones I am possibly causing with everything I do?? I'm sure things will solve itself over time, everyone is just a lil out of whack (idk how else to put it lol) because of everything that's been happening lately. I am as well, there's this anxious feeling I just can't shake. I'm scared things won't go back to "normal", but that is the overthinking talking.